Final Fantasy 6 Advent Children
by shinto-cetra
Summary: This is what an out-of-character movie sequel to Final Fantasy VI would probably be like.


Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VI, or Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

_2 years after the defeat of Kefka, and the end of magic…_

Inside of Rachael's basement in Kohlingen, Locke was slitting his wrists, listening to the band "Stab My Bleedin' Heart Out Because I Love You Til' Hell Freezes Over!" Suddenly Celes walked in.

"How did you find me?" asked Locke.

"You go to the same place every week." Celes replied, "Locke, I thought you cared about me. I mean you saved my life at least two times."

"I do! But Rachael's death is all my fault. I mean…"

"Dilly-dally-shilly-shally-ding-dong-gong-gren-del-ultima-wooooooooooooo………I- don't know why I just said that."

"Neither do I."

Celes walked out of Rachael's basement, and into the Kohlingen town hall. She found Emperor Geshtal in the lobby, crippled in a wheelchair, with three imperial soldiers.

"Kefka used the three statues to directly impale you with a lighting bolt. Then he threw you off the floating continent. How in the name of magic did you survive?"

"Never mind that," replied Geshtal. "I have a proposition to make…Become my general…again! I mean with Leo and Kefka disloyal and dead-"

"Don't you realize _I'm_ not loyal anymore?!" yelled Celes. "I mean, I helped kill an army of your troops searching for the esper Tritoch, helped the Returners escape your palace, refused to kill them at the floating continent, and you still want me to serve you? For a major villain, you're not that smart. What's with you?"

"I like blondes."

Celes walked away, muttering "Creepy old perv…"

She went on her way to the Opera House, to see an opera to relax. Unfortunately, while still in Jidoor, she was followed by a three pantomime clowns, who were riding imaginary bicycles, giving creepy smiles. One pantomime clown began to summon an imaginary Esper, but since he just mouthed words but didn't say anything, the Esper never appeared. Shocked, the clowns then pulled out real machine guns, and were about to fire on Celes, when she used her "Spin Edge" desperation attack, and it scattered the three clowns. Thus followed a 2-hour long fight sequence, where Celes dueled with the clowns, and numerous laws of physics were broken.

Suddenly Locke sensed something was wrong. He went on his way, conveniently sure that something was happening to someone close to him in Jidoor. However, on his way there, Locke was suddenly whisked away into the Phantom Train, with a familiar passenger next to him.

"Hi Rachael."

"Hi Locke. Locke, could you do me a favor"

"Anything."

"You can still love me and all, but stop the emoness, please?"

"But I let you die."

""Dilly Da-ah screw it! It wasn't your fault. Please stop the angst."

"Okay." Replied Locke. And he was whisked away to see Celes fighting the pantomime clowns with machine guns.

"Locke!" exclaimed Celes.

The pantomime clowns summoned evil shadow clowns to come from the earth itself, greatly outnumbering Locke and Celes.

But then, the Falcon airship conveniently showed up. Terra, Edgar, Sabin, Shadow, Cyan, Gau, Setzer, Mog, Relm, Strago, Umaro, and Gogo all showed up to help Locke and Celes.

"You can't have a epic battle without the main character!" proclaimed Terra.

Celes responded, "Terra, I though we weren't going to have this conversation anymore."

"Technically, there really is no main character. No one character must be in a party at all times, and many members of the _dramatis personae_ receive a large amount of focus-"

"UMARO! When did you learn how to talk?!" Mog demanded to know.

"Yesterday" replied Umaro.

One of the clowns, pulled out a grenade, and threw it at the Falcon.

"No by my 7-flush!" screamed Setzer, and he sent some exploding cards at the grenade, exploding it in midair. "I have an OBLIGATION to protect this ship!"

So there was an even more epic battle, with even more laws of physics broken. Cyan overcame his fear of machines, and had an epic motorcycle duel with another of the Clowns.

"Tis' time I did ta yooo what the Aaaanglish did ta William Wallace!" taunted Cyan.

Relm painted pictures of the shadow clowns, which used their attacks against them saying, "I'm a great artist. I'm so good, I have a DeviantART account with 3 million views!"

Strago replied, "Relm, stop using the internet. It's dangerous. There are hackers! And tubes!"

"Grandpa, stop being a fuddy-duddy!"

The clowns succeeded in summoning Robot-Cyborg Doomgaze (because most of the original Doomgaze's body had been destroyed), but Edgar said, "Grrrrrr…TIME TO CUT YOU DOWN TO SIZE! CHAINSAW, BITCH!" and he killed Robot-Cyborg Doomgaze with his chainsaw.

Eventually the Returners killed the three evil Clowns, and their minions. But then, a manhole exploded. Kefka was at the explosion site, and the final tier of "Dancing Mad" began to play.

"This time I really will create a monument to nonexistence! Hehehehehehehe!"

"I won't let you!" cried Terra, and she turned into her Esper form. They fought, again defying the laws of physics.

Kefka impaled her on a cloud with a 6-foot nodachi sword, and asked, "What precious lives have made you find love? Tell me, so I can take them away!"

"No!" replied Terra, and she used the Ultimate Advanced New Atma Weapon to slash him 120,399,831,481,283,232 times in a few seconds, with meteor-fire in every slash!

Kefka died, and his final words were, "Thief. Heheh."

"TREASURE HUNTER!" yelled Locke, but Kefka had already exploded, and didn't hear that, so magic was gone…for now...

The Returners went to Narshe, to celebrate, and made snowmen.

"Me Gau hungry!" stated Gau, and tried to take Sabin's Snowmen's carrot nose.

"Gau, stop talking like a Furby! And my snowman's strength comes from his carrot nose, so give it back!" Sabin shot back, trying to save his overly muscular snowman's nose.

"Sabin, just let the kid have it" said Edgar, making a fifth snowgirl to go with his regal snowman.

In turn, Gogo mimicked Gau and made a snow carrot, put it on Sabin's snowman, and ate it. Then Gogo tried to take Shadow's snowmen's nose, which was made of money (literally), but Shadow stopped him, by throwing a warning shiruken, saying, "You ain't takin' my snowman's nose, foo!"

Locke and Celes made their snowmen together, when suddenly, Locke turned around to see Rachael's ghost, who uttered some words of wisdom: "See? I told you this film sucks! Why did you bother torrenting it? Or let alone wasting $25.99 on it?"


End file.
